U of M Prof Explains Late Snow

November 15, 2006

A professor at the University of Mammoth suggested this week that the ski season isn't going to happen anytime soon. "Weather patterns just aren't right," said Prof. Charles Offenburger, who presented evidence on Wednesday, Nov. 15, that a large mass of hot air centered over Washington, D.C., could be responsible for this November's dry spell. "If you take all the politicians, then stir in all the media, particularly the cable TV people, you're talking about some real global warming back there," he said. Offenburger said he also noticed similar hot air patterns over Sacramento and Reno, Nev., as well as public radio stations KPFA and KQED in Berkeley and San Francisco.

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Mushers Already On Wrong Foot

September 7, 2006

If things go as badly for the U. of Mammoth Mushers as they did this past week, there is no hope for the football season at all. The Mushers, who lead the NCAA in wins by forfeit but who have never actually won a game, scheduled their pre-season Kickoff Dinner at their usual place, Berger's, only to find that Berger's is closed, shut down, sold and, at best, a memory. "The team was looking forward to the buffalo burgers," sighed coach Ronald "Bigs" LaBlash. "That, and the half-orders of fries."

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We're Pluto

August 25, 2006

You've got to hand it to the professors at good old University of Mammoth: What the U of M lacks in prestige, the faculty makes up in chutzpah. On Friday, Aug. 25, the U of M's astronomy professor asked the International Astronomical Union to name Mammoth as the outermost planet in the solar system, now that Pluto has been reduced to "dwarf planet" status. "Anyone who has tried to get good quality, soft cheeses knows how far away we are," said Prof. Edouard Germanicname.

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Bear Eats Frosh Homework

June 16, 2006

In what has become a rite of the summer session, bears are hassling the new crop of University of Mammoth freshmen. According to UM security, four freshmen, calling themselves "The Four Freshmen," each complained in class this week that "a bear ate my homework." "Any other place, we'd just go ahead and flunk these kids," said the university's dean, Dean Strichter. In addition to food, the bear scavenged a paper on F. Scott Fitzgerald; a theme on Heidegger's theories of phenomenology; a workbook in introduction to German and a Maxim magazine.

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UM To Get 1-A Status?

June 2, 2006

University of Mammoth football might hit the big-time in the next few years if Mushers head coach Ronald "Bigs" LaBlash succeeds in his current quest. "I've applied to the NCAA for Division 1-A status," he said yesterday at a press conference that was attended by just me. "I see no reason why this institution cannot compete with the Cals, Stanfords, Oregons and Caltechs." Informed that Caltech did not compete at the Division I-A level in any sport, LaBlash said, "Well, there you go. See what I mean?"

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Yow! Mushers Get Mashed

October 2, 2005

By Nook LoganSpecial to MammothBlog     Oh wow that was an ugly one.    The University of Mammoth Mushers got whupped, 62-0, by the Wizards of Cal St. Polytechnic, Waverly — a school so small and obscure that most...

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Bear Eats Frosh Homework

September 16, 2005

In what has become a rite of the summer session, bears are hassling the new crop of University of Mammoth freshmen. According to UM security, four freshmen, calling themselves "The Four Freshmen," each complained in class this week that "a bear ate my homework." "Any other place, we'd just go ahead and flunk these kids," said the university's dean, Dean Strichter. "But these kids are telling the truth, and they're pretty shaken up." Last year, a total of nine freshmen complained that bears had eaten their homework.

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