Who is Bump Diamond?
Graduate of the Mammoth School of Fish
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- Archive (3)
- Fiction: Ookpik (7)
- Ha Ha Ha (17)
- Lyin' Judy Bridger (7)
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- The Vons Report (18)
- U. of Mammoth (7)
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Ha Ha Ha Archive
True Bear Story
May 12, 2007
In 2001, a man named Jack Stabb was on holiday in Mammoth after graduating from USC . On a hike through the backcountry, he came across a young black bear standing with one leg raised in the air. The bear seemed distressed, so Jack approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the bear's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Jack worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the bear gingerly put down its foot. The bear turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Jack stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being mauled.Skeeters
May 1, 2007
Of course there's an upside to California's paltry snowpack this year. A big upside. With the snowpack at its most shallow depth since 1988, less than 40 percent of normal, that means the backpackers of the High Sierra can rejoice. The only things that hate a shallow snowpack more than hydrologists and farmers are ... mosquitoes. The last two years have been hard on the skeeter-hating back country set. We'd sit around camp at night, swatting and swearing and commenting, in our best Sierra Club way, how great it is to have all this moisture in the hills. But no matter how far we'd get from the shoreline, there were bugs. Buggiest summers I can remember.Modern Business
December 14, 2006
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drove up in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, slick sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd answered: "Sure. Why not?" The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to his AT&T cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.John's Mom
December 10, 2006
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's female roommate, Julie. was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between them and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."Christmas 2007
November 29, 2006
A man in Mammoth calls his son in Manhattan a week before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."Sven And Ole
November 9, 2006
Sven and Ole walk into a pet shop near Mammoth. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Convict Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1,000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.Halloween
October 31, 2006
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."This is English?
August 13, 2006
Being a sucker for language that I am, here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world, then posted on the 'Net. In a Tokyo Hotel: "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis." In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up." In a Belgrade hotel elevator: "To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor."Idle Thoughts
July 16, 2006
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away). Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.Pass The Chips
July 10, 2006
This may come as a surprise to those not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks. Ha ha ha.Dogtown, U.S.A.
June 26, 2006
The canine crowd in Mammoth has rarely been more giddy. First, the town's veterinarian, Gaylon TeSlaa, was so hot to promote Mammoth as "Dogtown, U.S.A.," that there was talk of him teaming up with Tailwaggers to create a kind of wellness facility for hounds. It didn't work out, but it is said that Barry S. Sternlicht, chief of Starwood honcho at Mammoth Mountain Ski Area, would give his blessing to the move. "This is where dogs come to revitalize their souls and their well beings," Sternlicht supposedly said, although I couldn't confirm the quote.You Know It's 2005 When ...
November 13, 2005
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You email the person who...The Darwin Awards Are Out
August 17, 2005
The Winner: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the...Monkeys and Brass Balls
May 1, 2005
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling...Las Vegas-to-Mammoth Air Service
America West would be the carrier
April 30, 2005
By Lyin’ Judy BridgerPretty Funny … Lookin’ You can call me a liar all you want, and right you are, too. I’ve spun some honkers, but this is the straight-arrow truth: Mammoth will have commercial air...Aging Gracefully
April 25, 2005
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be....Head Up His Ass
April 24, 2005
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