Summer Rules

July 7, 2007

Everybody showed up this week, so it's time to review the rules around here.

1. No whining. Everyone knows that this isn't summer; it's construction season. Big trucks. Hammering. More hammering. Table saws. A little more hammering. If you're looking for quiet, try Upstate New York, which overbuilt itself many decades ago.

2. No left turns. It's hard to believe that Mammoth can have traffic problems. After all, most of the streets are as wide as airport runways, and stoplights remain something of a novelty. That's actually the problem. SUVs stack up chockablock behind the one Hummer driver who will wait forever to make a left. Be a sport. Turn right and go around the block if you have to.

3. Beware the Von's lot. With three big rows of straight-in parking, pedestrians trying to get to the actual store have to walk behind the vehicles. These drivers frequently can't see the peds on account of the configuration of the lot and, natch, because the vehicles next to them are carrying loaded bike racks and are the size of the Queen Mary.

4. Buying booze. Mammoth got tagged big-time by the state last spring for selling alcohol to minors. The Shell station on the corner had its license suspended for a month, causing much hardship. The upshot of this is that the two Shells are now ID'ing everybody, and it doesn't matter that you're a self-admitted geezer bait fisherman who looks 105 years old. Gotta have that ID.

5. Bears. Bears are cool. Bears around here are docile. Bears are really hungry, too. Don't feed them. Bears aren't the smartest of God's creations. They might mistake a child's fingers for steak fries. And one thing about a bear: it's not a vain creature. It sees no joy in having its picture taken.

6. Old Mammoth Road. Hey take it easy, will yez? People live out there. Actual residents. There's enough trouble with all the construction out there. Speeding traffic just exacerbates the situation and causes the locals to engage in untoward behavior.

7. Hole No. 1. The first green at Sierra Star is only about 10 feet from a walking path and Meridian Blvd. There's a screen to protect the peds, but approach shots still land regularly in the area. This is because first-time golfers can't grasp the notion that at 8,000 feet, they are about one club too long. At least. Anyone who parks on Meridian across from the first green is out of his mind.

8. Heat. There will be no complaining about the almost total lack of air conditioning in town. For anyone here last week, this fact seemed unbelievable. Deal with it. Go higher.

9. Fire. Humidity fell to 11 percent last week, according to my spiffy personal weather station. Combined with a low snowfall from the winter, this place is a tinderbox. Keep those cigs in the ashtray and the spliffs put out thoroughly. This is particularly aimed at the Mean Mountain Run participants, whose Harleys run on a peculiar combination of gasoline, nicotine and testosterone.

10. Be nice. It's not that goddam hard to be freakin' nice, for Chrissakes.

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