Bear Eats Frosh Homework

September 16, 2005

In what has become a rite of the summer session, bears are hassling the new crop of University of Mammoth freshmen. According to UM security, four freshmen, calling themselves "The Four Freshmen," each complained in class this week that "a bear ate my homework." "Any other place, we'd just go ahead and flunk these kids," said the university's dean, Dean Strichter. "But these kids are telling the truth, and they're pretty shaken up." Last year, a total of nine freshmen complained that bears had eaten their homework. Dean Strichter said the four freshmen reported they were doing homework in a local restaurant when a black bear entered the joint through an open kitchen door, then strolled through the dining room and bar, eating whatever it could get its paws on. The freshmen said they fled the restaurant, leaving their homework behind. Spring is among bears' most prolific feeding seasons as they prepare their strategies for the Lakes Basin and the usual crowds of bait fishermen on lawn chairs and children. Meanwhile, locals and upperclassmen pay practically no attention to the bears, knowing that black bears in California are mostly cool. Indeed, most everyone else just covered up their plate o' ribs and fries and kept on keeping on. When the bear came across the Four Freshmen's table, however, it found a half rack of babyback ribs, a nearly-eaten cheeseburger, one iced tea and a tuna melt. In addition, the bear found one paper on F. Scott Fitzgerald; a theme on Heidegger's theories of phenomenology; a workbook in introduction to German and one Maxim magazine. "The bear just ate everything," said Dean Strichter, shrugging. "What're you going to do about that?"

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